The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue 974


Some pretty good one-liners:

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re gonna pay – you have my Word.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort!

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea – it runs in our jeans.

Someone in Chicago gets shot every day. I feel sorry for the fella.

Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.

The sign said, “Psychic – Call for an Appointment!” Shouldn’t she know when I would be there?

I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program, licensing fee, and special tax form.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Terminal Illness: When you get sick at the airport.

I try my best to be modest, and I do a pretty good job of it. Makes me proud.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats authentic stupidity.

A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Be nice to your kids; they’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Parallel lines have so much in common; it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I told my girlfriend a joke about the ceiling. She didn’t get it – it was over her head.

Have you noticed that your belly button is the only button you can’t unbutton?