The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue 974


Retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. To show respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue to play, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers and peeks through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: “Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Pasquale.


My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”


It Was So Cold that

• Roosters rushed into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begged to use the pressure cooker!

• The optician gave away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

• Kids used a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

• Pickpockets stuck their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm!

• The squirrels in the park threw themselves at an electric fence!

• People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

• Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

• The rats bribed alley cats for a snuggle.

• We had to chop up the piano for firewood – but we only got two chords.

• When we milked the cows, we got ice cream!

• When we milked the brown cows – we got chocolate ice cream!