The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue 974


One night, a daughter brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents. Upon first sight, the parents were astounded and appalled by his appearance – leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose (and tongue they found out later at dinner).

At a discreet time, the parents pulled their daughter aside, and diplomatically told Candi, “We are not sure about him; he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the blonde daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”


While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?” After a pause, the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”


A group of Congressmen was playing a trivia board game one night. When it was one representative’s turn, he rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature.” His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” The Congressman thought for a moment and then asked, “Is it on or off?”


Wisdom in a line or two:

• Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

• Three hardest things to say: 1. I’m sorry; 2. I was wrong; 3. Worcestershire sauce

• If you answer the phone with, “Hello? You’re on the air!” most telemarketers will hang up.

• When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

• When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

• If you’re bored, go to the mall, find a parking spot, and sit in your car with the reverse lights on.

• The best thing about freedom of speech is you can know who the idiots are.

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