The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue No: 1286

First Story of the Week
Second Story of the Week
Third Story of the Week
Dr. Ron Ross’s Lexicon of Life-lifting Words

Trivia Pop Quiz


In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. Midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and scoffed, “What does she know about anything? I want to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, “Take off your boots, sir, and count them yourself.”


A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend. He says to the proprietor, “You know the old expression; you should say it with flowers?”

The florist responds, “Yes, I do! Nothing says it better than three dozen of my finest roses!”

“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”


A large passenger plane is flying across the Atlantic at a consistent 800 km/h at 35,000 feet. Suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The fighter pilot slows down, flies alongside the Airbus, and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight, isn’t it? Not in this cockpit! Watch this!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?”

The airliner pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight and level at the same speed. After five minutes, the airline pilot radios the fighter pilot, “Well, how’d you like that?”

“How’d I like what?” The fighter pilot asks, confused.

“I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the bathroom, talked to a pretty flight attendant, and got a cup of coffee.”


Customer on the phone: “We need to order some one-by-fours.”

Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?”

Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”


I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

Do they allow a loud laugh in Hawaii or just a low ha?

A senior posted his status on Facebook: Retired: Under new management. See spouse for details.

If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way, people will think you’re bilingual instead of stupid.

Losing weight doesn’t work for me, so I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician. I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

You may want to try unplugging 2021, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in.

Tidbits of Greeley, Centerra, Loveland
Published by Handshake Publishing
4025 Temple Gulch Circle – Loveland CO 80538
All inquiries: 970.475.4829 or 720.934. 7677 – Email: RonRoss@

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