The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue 974


Bird Humor

Q: How do you catch a unique bird?

A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame bird?

A: The tame way, unique up on it!


A duck walks into a drug store and buys some ChapStick. The clerk asks, “Will that be cash or charge?” The duck says, “Just put it on my bill!”


Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: “Does this taste funny to you?”


A Blue Jay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he’d be able to get rid of the Jay with “the candidate must be bilingual!” The Jay replied “Meow!!”


Judge: Young man, it says here you shot and killed a California condor. How do you plead?

Defendant: Guilty your honor.

Judge: GUILTY!? Don’t you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all.

Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we’re so poor.

Judge: That’s no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way, what does California condor taste like?

Defendant: It’s real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane!


Two turkey vultures were preparing to migrate north for the summer but, after talking about it, they decided they were too old to fly all that way, so they decided to take a plane. When they were about to board the aircraft, the flight attendant, noticing that both buzzards were carrying a dead armadillo, asked, “Would you like to check those armadillos through as luggage?” “No thanks,” the buzzards replied, “they’re carrion.”


Groucho Marx: Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.