The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue No: 1296

First Story of the Week
Second Story of the Week
Third Story of the Week
Dr. Ron Ross’s Lexicon of Life-lifting Words

Trivia Pop Quiz


A high school required all its senior students to take a CPR course. The class used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel her legs!”

Father: “Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down.”

Little Johnny: I can make you real happy, Dad, here’s my report card.

A man called his neighbor to help move a couch that was stuck in the doorway.  They got on either end of the sofa and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn’t budge. “Forget it,” the man finally gasped. “We’ll never get this in.” A frustrated voice came from the other end of the couch: “IN?!?!”

Two years after his heart attack, a college professor felt discomfort in his chest in the middle of a class lecture. He paused to take his medication and felt better quickly. He told his students, “Now if I ever do have a heart attack, I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”

One of them shouted out, “How much?”

A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. One morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore, and a small boat was coming toward him! When the boat arrived, its occupant handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and said: “With the captain’s compliments. He wants you to read through these and then let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

In one small rural town, the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?” After a long silence in the classroom, a boy raised his hand and answered, “A lawyer!”


If you wanted people to eat something you cooked, would you name it succotash?

My spouse says I have two faults. I don’t listen and — something else.

I’m older now but be careful – my lack of energy should not be mistaken for patience.

I have a phobia of German sausage. Yes, I fear the wurst.

I can’t believe I didn’t go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row.

Q & A – Just for fun!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

A: He won the “no-bell” prize.

Q: What do you give someone who has everything?

A: Antibiotics.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An Impasta.

Q: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

A: Yes, we arson.

Tidbits of Greeley, Centerra, Loveland
Published by Handshake Publishing
4025 Temple Gulch Circle – Loveland CO 80538
All inquiries: 970.475.4829 or 720.934. 7677 – Email: RonRoss@

Layout and design by Manoj S. Vrathan