The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue 974

LOL

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

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A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. – Jay Leno

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Dog – One-Liners:

• Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

• Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

• I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

• I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield

• I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.” — Andy Kindler

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A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”