The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read ®

Issue No: 1266

First Story of the Week
Second Story of the Week
Third Story of the Week
Dr. Ron Ross’s Lexicon of Life-lifting Words

Trivia Pop Quiz

Advantage Automotive

The Older You Get – The Wiseacre You Become!

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” I just say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

I don’t want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he knows when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn’t tackled by security.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.

I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me next Wednesday.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked the nervous bank teller, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?”

“Yes,” the teller replied. “I notice that each time he comes into the bank he’s much better dressed.”


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